“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.