A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO