when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.