Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”