A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas