It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
All is fair in drunk and war.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.