I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
I self medicate, therefore you live.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard