Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
I can’t figure out why my son hates me.
Tim hates you?
No, my other son. I can’t remember his name. I just call him “not Tim”
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked