I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back