I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see