Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car