I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back