As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
As per my previous tablet…
Friend: cheer up. There are plenty of fish in the sea
Me [slamming my fist on the table]: I’m attracted to women NOT fish, Gary!
[help desk at the mall]
Her: can I help you?
Me: I want this desk to help me
Her: it doesn’t work that way
Me: it doesn’t look busy
Her: it’s a desk, sir
Me: a help desk
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you
Just organising my finances.
People who say “no pun intended” are weak. Intend your puns, you coward
I’m ready to try another planet.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day