Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it