There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”