“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.