A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..