Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.