*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.