They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes