Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Me: “Want a banana?”
3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.