Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me