I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.