Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.