Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
