Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.