‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!