Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.