[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”