aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.