Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I rented this bobcat to help me dig up my new pool but he won’t even hold the shovel. He’s just eating all the neighborhood squirrels.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.