That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.