[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn