*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Guantanamo Bae
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Hey I worked for it too!