My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
why isn’t thunder called soundning
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner