A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.