Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil