I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.