Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”