5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.