Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.