I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores