When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine