The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.