shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators