Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.