Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
*offers Batman cough drops*
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”