If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.