A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?