Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??